


You're You

by AndWeMutate



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Established Relationship, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts III
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 21:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndWeMutate/pseuds/AndWeMutate
Summary: "They’re different, so very different. The way they talk, the way they laugh, the way they see the world...it’s all different. I don't see his face when Roxas smiles and I don't hear his voice when Roxas laughs. Does that worry Roxas? That I hear him instead of him?"Post-Kingdom Hearts III. Riku and Roxas are in a relationship, but Roxas has to wonder why Riku wants anything to do with him at all.
Relationships: Riku/Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	You're You

**Author's Note:**

> I've gone back and forth with this one. I started out loving it, came to dislike it, got back to liking it again and now? I'm not sure.
> 
> I'm looking at this as progress on my part. I haven't been able to look at this pair like I used to in the past few years. Long story but being able to write this felt kind of nice? I can't really explain but I'll take that sort of feeling and just run with it. If it's not great, it's not great. But I wrote it and that's a start.

“It’s only because I look like him, isn’t it?” Roxas asks. The question seemingly comes out of nowhere and to say it surprises me is an understatement. 

It also doesn’t help that his cock was literally just in my mouth. Way to kill a mood.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I reply, wiping my mouth with my wrist. “Where did that even come from?”

Roxas shrugs and I sigh. It takes me kissing him to get a ghost of a smile out of him. He’s a serial pouter, Roxas, and I wonder if this is why he’s been sulking lately. How long has this been on his mind exactly? I can’t hazard a guess. As much as I adore Roxas, I’ve never been able to get into his head enough to pretend to know what he’s thinking. He’s a mystery to me, always keeping me guessing, and while it does keep things interesting, it’s not always a good thing. It worries me sometimes. Like the rest of us, he’s been through a lot, some things I couldn’t try to relate to, but even if I try, he shuts down. I back off. If I give him time and support, I’m hoping he’ll open up. Like a flower, he’ll bloom in time.

I can’t help but worry though. Even just a little bit. I kiss him again but I’m struggling to find the words to ease his worry. It’s not because he looks like him. It’s not. Honestly, it messed with me a lot in the beginning. Too much. It took me weeks to push through it so I could kiss him the first time. I’d pull back when those blue eyes hit me, every single time. They ensnared me, captivated me and made me nearly burst into tears. It took a long time before I could look Roxas in the eye.

When I finally could, when I finally did, what I saw was beautiful. It was more than I was prepared for. I hadn’t expected to see that sort of depth, that shade of blue. For a second, I got lost. I wandered in strife, in confusion, in a stunning sense of relief. I didn't realize I was holding my breath. I didn’t realize a lot of things. It took finally looking at him for everything and nothing to make sense. 

They’re different, so very different. The way they talk, the way they laugh, the way they see the world...it’s all different. I don't see _his_ face when Roxas smiles and I don't hear _his_ voice when Roxas laughs. Does that worry Roxas? That I hear _him_ instead of him?

I get it, but are my words enough?

He leans back against the headboard and watches me for a bit. I wonder what he sees. Does he see darkness? Light? Or something in-between? I never knew exactly where I stood with Roxas after everything. Even now, tangled limbs and naked bodies aside, I have to question what he thinks of me. For whatever reason, it matters, but it's a hard question to just ask. So, I take it at face value. Sometimes, it's just easier that way. I could spend days picking apart every gaze and every touch, but I'd much rather take every moment, every second with him, and keep it just that way, untainted and beautiful.

Roxas reaches out and touches my face. His hands are warm and softer than you'd expect. I immediately lean into his palm, closing my eyes and choosing to just experience the moment for a while instead of overthinking it like I have a tendency to do. This quiet moment? There aren't enough of them in life so I'll take it.

"Sora," Roxas says quietly, carefully. "You love him, don't you?"

His name startles me. My eyes open and Roxas is looking straight at me, expectantly. He wants an answer. I know that look. I relent once that heavy, sour feeling in my stomach passes. It also hits me in the oddest way that Roxas didn't use past tense; love, not loved.

In a voice that almost doesn't sound like mine, I whisper, "I do." I don't hesitate. I can't. It's not something I ever tried to keep secret, not something I ever tried to hide. I love him. I always have and I don't think I'll ever stop. How could I? For as long as I could remember, Sora was my world. Before the darkness, when we were bathed in light, brimming with innocence and unwavering hope, I knew what Sora meant to me. Before jealousy and heaps of regret, I knew I loved him. It was a reckless, irresponsible love but for the longest time, it was all I knew without a single doubt. 

I exhale. Roxas' question makes a little more sense now.

He doesn't look upset. He looks like I had just confirmed something he already knew. I search his expression for something, anything, but I'm left with a weird feeling of unease. It twists and turns in the very core of me and I'm pretty much helpless at this point, held hostage by Roxas' even expression and endless blue eyes. I'm not sure what I expect but whatever it is, I don't think I'm ready for it.

Instead of feeling betrayed or angry, he looks calm. "When he comes back," Roxas says, "will this just...end? Whatever this is, I mean. Will it be over?" He's wearing an expression I can't read. His eyes, though...they give him away. There's a sense of fear in Roxas' eyes, something deeper and darker than I expected. Knowing Roxas for as long as I had, I didn't think that sort of feeling was brave enough to exist within him. Roxas is fearless and headstrong, unwilling to crumble even when the weight of the world presses persistently against him. That's the Roxas I knew and grew to adore.

This Roxas made my heart ache.

There's a sudden urge to talk until I've run out of words, spill every romanticized turn of phrase I knew in one hurried exhale. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to believe I'd hurt him. Panic rises like acid in my throat but I swallow it down. It hits me suddenly that I know how I feel about Roxas. I know how I feel about his crooked smile and his love for sea salt ice cream. I know exactly how I feel about him. Without a doubt. 

Roxas said 'when', not 'if'. Was he just waiting for Sora to come back? Waiting for our quiet moments to erupt into something loud, something chaotic and confusing? Something we couldn't recover from?

His hand was still on my face, still warm and comforting. I lift my own hand and place it over his. I feel Roxas' body relax a bit and it's immensely satisfying. "No," I finally answer. Simple words may be more effective in a moment like this. I'll see where they lead. "Roxas, listen to me. I love Sora, more than I can rationalize at times, but that doesn't change how I feel for you." I pause, willing my heart to slow its' pounding. I can hear it in my ears, feel it in the tips of my fingers and toes. "You're not here as a replacement for him."

Roxas' expression changes. He looks away and I reach for his face immediately, guiding his gaze back to my own. Panic finds its way into Roxas' eyes and I'm desperate to dispel it. "Riku," he begins.

"Is that what you think?" I ask. He doesn't answer, as if he were ashamed that the thought had entered his mind at all. I couldn't really blame him, I guess, but that wasn't going to stop me from reassuring him that he was wrong. "Listen to me," I say again, firmly, "Sora is my best friend and that won't ever change but you're...well, you're you."  (It sounded better in my head.)

"I'm---" 

I know what he's going to say. "You're you," I say quickly, before the word 'Nobody' can dare drip from his lips, "and I love you, Roxas."

He seems surprised. Had that been the first time I said that to him? I didn't have the time to think over the last year of our interactions but I realize it must be, judging by Roxas' initial reaction.

The thought hits me harder; had anyone ever said that to him before? Was I the first?

Slowly, Roxas' expression changes again. It softens and warms. I could swear he was glowing. God, he was beautiful. Did he know that? I'd remind him if he needed me too. I brush my fingertips against his cheek and he smiles. There's a flutter in my chest and I feel an intense urge to say it again. And again. I open my mouth but he speaks first.

"You too," he mumbles. Before I can ask him to repeat himself, he tries again. "I love you too," Roxas says, more clearly this time.

It took me by surprise. I feel my heart skip a few beats and fight to regain its rhythm. I commit those seconds to memory; the shyness in his tone, the softness in his expression, the light in his eyes. I don't know why this caught me off guard but it takes a minute to come down enough from this glorious high to offer any sort of coherent reply. 

I move my hand to thread my fingers through his golden blond hair. My cheeks hurt, my head's spinning and I'm not complaining. I want to believe that I know what love is, what it means. Maybe I don't and it's just a series of words, I don't know. What I do know for sure is that my love for Roxas and my love for Sora isn't the same. It feels different. When I think about Sora, I feel warm sunlight. It glows and shines unapologetically. It smells like the ocean and feels like cool ocean water lapping at my ankles. My love for Sora has always painted that same, vivid picture.

But Roxas...from the beginning, it felt different. It burns differently in my chest. It feels like the setting sun, still warm, but not searing. It's not a bad thing, just different. You want to look at a sunset, the constant changing colors, the scene shifting subtly. It's nearly impossible to look away. He captivates me, shows me clear moments of intense beauty and he fills me with a sense of warmth that weighs comfortably on my chest.

I love the way loving Roxas makes me feel.

I steal another quick kiss and Roxas pulls me into his arms. We're tangled in the bed sheets and there's not a single place I'd rather be. He's content with the silence and I am too. I lean my head against his shoulder and inhale deeply. He smells like sea salt and he feels like home.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by me so apologies for any super ridiculous and glaring errors.


End file.
